Alright, so Merrill Lynch and Bank of America are "redefining wealth." Give me a freakin' break. Last I checked, wealth meant, you know, actual wealth. Yachts, tax shelters, and enough passive income to tell your boss where to stick it. Now? Sounds like they're lowering the bar to include anyone who can fog a mirror and has a 401k.
The "Mass Affluent" Gold Rush
They're calling it the "mass affluent" segment. Translation: people who are almost rich but still have to clip coupons. Bank of America wants to "capture more of these households as they grow." It's a long game, alright. A long game of squeezing fees out of people who are just trying to keep their heads above water.
And "financial therapy"? Seriously? Last time I checked, therapists charged like $200 an hour. How's that supposed to help the "mass affluent"? Oh, wait, I get it. It's another product to sell. "We'll help you feel wealthy, even if you're not!" It's the financial equivalent of a participation trophy.
Headcount? In *This* Economy?
The big brains at Merrill are "leaning heavily on headcount growth." Apparently, they're bringing back the 90s. 2,400 trainees? What is this, a pyramid scheme? Are they going to be hitting up my LinkedIn with "amazing opportunities" to sell whole life insurance to my grandma? Because I swear...
The article says "humans still like talking to humans about their money." Maybe. Or maybe humans are just too overwhelmed and confused by the whole damn system that they'll take advice from anyone in a suit. I bet half these "advisors" are just reading from a script anyway.
Wait a minute...is this why my local Starbucks is perpetually understaffed? Are they all becoming "financial advisors" now?
The 30% Margin Obsession
Everything is about hitting that magic 30% margin. They're "working to integrate client banking, expand advisory accounts, and increase advisor productivity." Sounds like they're turning people into cogs in a machine. A machine designed to extract every last penny. According to Merrill Lynch Plays Ball, BoA Rewrites Wealth Playbook, this is a key strategy for growth.
They claim it's "not about cutting quality." Offcourse, they do. It's about "creating a machine where advisors do more advising and less administrative juggling." Translation: more time to sell you crap you don't need. It's about "client segmentation that actually means something." Meaning, figuring out how to milk you for every dollar you're worth.
So, What's the Real Story?
It ain't about helping people build wealth. It's about expanding the definition of wealth to include more people, so they can sell more crap to more people and hit that 30% margin. It's wealth-ish, not wealth. And frankly, I'm insulted.
